Wow, I have been a big, emotional blob tonight. It started when...no...it was before that...
It started when I got pregnant with my first child, almost 21 years ago... and tonight, in looking through old photos, I brought it all to life again. Man, my kids were so freakin' CUTE and I was so young! I demand to know where the time went?!
As if that wasn't gooey enough, I read every entry I'd written in a book called 'Beginning Together...a Diary of Discovery for You & Your Baby'. OMG. It asks personal, though-provoking questions about pregnancy, labor & delivery, and the baby's first few months: his habits, behaviors, cute things, sleeping and eating patterns...and MAMA puts down all her thoughts.
Well, about an hour later, I could hardly breathe through my nose from balling my eyes out.
I called my son Leon and said, "Hody cow, Leod, I just read your baby book and guess what, turds out you've always resisted sleep and were always really smart!"
And my boy said, "Have you been crying?"
I told him, yeah...this just made me so sentimental. Guess it's all that Christmas shiite. LOL
And he asked me to bring it over on Christmas day so he can take a look at it.
Then guess what?
I felt like eating complete junk-food garbage. Chips, take-out, you name it, I pictured shoveling it in. I pictured it so well, I figure my body thinks I ate it. Wow, tell me there's no emotional connection, heh? In the end I shook it off and made a big salad. Well, I didn't shake it alllll off, because I indulged in some of those ice chocolates that I had bought for the kids' stocking stuffers.
This is the first year that the boys, who are both about to have birthdays and turn 18 and 21 (OMG) have told me that it's not about the presents...that they're just really looking forward to having family & friends over to hang out.
While I'm knocked over by their maturity, I am also experiencing some feelings of loss. I still want to spoil the shit out of them. Where did my babies go? blubber blubber.
I'm feeling as maudlin as a Christmas drunk tonight, without the benefit of a buzz. lmao. I'll be o-tay. I always am.
Blubber Blubber!
xo
Rawkin'
2 comments:
hey hun ... going on that sentimental journey huh. i hear you on the emotional eating/cravings thing ... that bag of chips the other night was triggered by a little emotional upset of my own. So hard that we are "trained" to reach for familiar foods for comfort/distraction/comfort. So proud that i got thru christmas day yesterday without succumbing to all the sugar and cooked foods all around me. struggling a bit today with the fact they are still in the house, and i really love my mum's neenish tarts! There are still 2 of them sitting on my counter! (but i haven't eaten any). and there seem to be more chocolates in the house than ever before. About to turn on the dehydrator and make a couple batches of crackers to take away on holiday, so keeping on track. sending you big big love as always.
sg
Hi Love,
Thank you for your support, SG, it means a lot. I love that you share your ups and downs too...I really feel connected.
Raw is a path, and while the ultimate choice we're making is to be raw...there are choices *within* that choice...and sometimes those choices are to NOT be raw, in that moment...but we're still on the path!
xo
Rawkin'
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